Our biggest obstacle

I’ve never seen any life transformation that didn’t begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit.

–Elizabeth Gilbert

Once we are truly ready, we do manage to drop our BS like hot potatoes. We stop falling asleep, getting hooked on our soft addictions, and making excuses. Until then, there is some comfort in dwelling in them because we don’t have to take full responsibility. And it’s not wrong; I believe it means that we still have some business to work out in that space before moving on to the next thing.

Even if it’s torturing me, I can sense the subtle satisfaction I get by blaming the things that are in the way of my transformation. One of those things can be me (“I’m just not good at that”), but it still seems easier to dwell in that twisted satisfaction of feeling victimized, wronged, or limited by myself and enrolling others in that story than to drop and try to move forward without them. If the obstacle was outside of me, then even more satisfying, even if the feeling I’m dwelling in is chronic anger, because there is an addictive quality to righteous anger for being thwarted… by our upbringing, our life circumstance, a political party, the patriarchy, our addictions, anything.

When I am truly ready to get to the next place, it feels different, and nothing seems to get in the way; despite “lack of skill, lack of confidence, lack of resources.” I plug away with focus on what’s possible. My stories dissolve, my ego surrenders a little bit, and in my, yes, introverted way, I find my path.

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