Is it possible to get over our defensiveness?
Let’s assume no one will have perfect communication where they can thoughtfully communicate things to us that have any potential to be received as unpleasant in a way that will make us feel totally and unconditionally loved, understood and supported.
They are sensitive to something we do, and we are sensitive to them saying it. They are upset because their lives have been unfair to them, and their tone of voice posits that they blame us in some way. They want to tell us we aren’t hearing them, and we tell them the same thing back. They are inconsiderate and we are right. They wonder why we are like that and we say it’s because they made us that way.
We get defensive perhaps because the alternative may make us to feel like we don’t measure up; that we have failed, and we aren’t ready to feel that. Not in real time; not in front of them anyway. So does this mean being defensive means we are winning? That we’ve accomplished what we want in our relationship(s)?
What do you think? Are we reliant on others to change the dynamic, as if they don’t deserve our better self if they behave certain ways? Are we feeling resentful that we have to do all the work in the relationship? Who has the power?